Okay, we’ve all heard it before: having a daily routine is good for you – your mental health, your physical health, your academic success, your sleep, your relationship… name any important aspect of life, and someone has done a study on why consistency is good for it. But actually implementing a routine? Especially if you struggle with chronic pain, fatigue, or depression? That can feel next to impossible.

I’ve always struggled with wanting to be a person who has a long, elaborate morning routine and a carefully structured bedtime wind-down ritual. I’ve watched at least a million and nine YouTube videos about people’s very inspirational self care routines, complete with yoga, gratitude practices, meditation, exercise, highly photogenic breakfast bowls, and six-step skincare routines. I want to be one of those people. I want to start my day with morning pages and locally-roasted french-pressed coffee every single day. But the reality is, I wake up most mornings a little “hungover” from my sleep medication and trying to make my stiff joints move before they’re ready to so I can stumble downstairs and start the Keurig. And when I do try having a more elaborate routine, I inevitably end up not being able to do it for a day or two and then giving up on the whole thing because I’m such a black-and-white thinker.

So what to do? How do you give yourself the structure that you know will help when your energy levels and motivation are different on different days? Here are some things that I’ve found helpful: 

1: Work With What You’ve Got

Chances are, you already have some amount of routine in your life. Maybe you always have your cup of coffee in bed, or shower as soon as you get home from work, or pray before you go to sleep, or wake up at 8:00 every day. Maybe you have a pet you feed or walk at consistent times, or medication you have to take with food that ensures you have breakfast. Before you go hog-wild trying to build a new routine, or if you’re totally overwhelmed by the entire concept, identify those things in your life. You may be surprised to discover that you’re already pretty good at this – humans naturally thrive on routine, so often we end up creating these rituals without even noticing. 

2: Figure Out What You Don’t Have

Once you’ve named whatever small routines you already have, it shouldn’t be too hard to spot what you’re missing. This might feel overwhelming at first, so I suggest making a big old list of everything that you want to be doing on a regular basis and aren’t right now. Are you a writer who hasn’t written anything in months because you don’t make time to? Are you really bad about taking your meds on time? Does your dog need longer walks that you haven’t been taking them on? Do you want to try a daily mindfulness session? Brainstorm! Write it all down! No wrong answers! Remember, this is just a list of things you’d like to be doing, not a judgement of your ability to get it all done or a plan to implement today.

3: Take Small Steps! 

As I said, I’m a hell of a black and white thinker. At this point in the process, my first inclination will always be to take everything I just wrote down, turn it into an ideal routine, and start it immediately. Alternatively, this might feel so overwhelming that executive dysfunction kicks in and you abandon the whole idea entirely and go back to scrolling through Instagram. These are both reasonable responses, especially if you also struggle with prioritizing self care. One of the most helpful ways to fight back against these urges is to break it down into smaller chunks. Look back at your list and find a few things that are really important to you, ideally starting with the fundamentals – things like sleeping and eating enough and caring for any other physical or medical needs. Once you have a couple of priorities, choose a next manageable step for each of them. This does not mean going from sleeping four hours a night to nine immediately – oftentimes, the bigger the change, the harder it is to stick with. Add and change things slowly, and stop often to look back and admire your progress!

4: Try a Reward Chart or Habit Tracker

This particular method doesn’t work for everyone. My partner, for example, has tried putting habit trackers in their religiously-kept bullet journal for things like showering regularly (which is hard for them for a number of sensory- and energy-related reasons), but they feel overwhelmed by guilt if they don’t do what they’re “supposed” to, and end up just feeling bad. But for many people, this can be a big motivator, especially if you attach small rewards to it and stay realistic about setting goals for yourself (see tip #3). If you’ve never heard of habit trackers, they’re essentially the same concept as a reward chart (think “Chore Chart” or “Sticker Chart” for grown-ups), only they tend to be small, simple, designed by you, and put in a journal or notebook that you use regularly. An example of a habit might be “Asleep Before 12,” and your initial goal might be to check off four of the seven days of the week. 

5: Acknowledge That You Are Imperfect

You are never going to be perfect at creating and maintaining a daily routine. Shit happens. The world is a hot mess. You might have a flare or a work meeting or a travel day that throws you off, or you might just forget to do something. This is okay. Let me repeat myself. It’s okay. Like rules, routines are both there for a good reason and bound to get broken sometimes. The trick here is to accept that you goofed or your environment made it impossible, and then move on. If it helps, you can look at what prevented you from doing an aspect of your routine and think about ways to avoid this in the future, but either way, the most important thing is to move on and try again tomorrow. If there’s a longer-term obstacle involved, like a chronic illness flare, go back and re-prioritize for now. Strip your routine down to its basics and focus on caring for your mind and body in the most fundamental ways. 

Having consistent daily routines in our lives has countless benefits, and the odds are, the harder you find it to have a routine, the more you probably need one. Routine is the foundation for things like getting good sleep and eating regularly and enough, and these things have been shown again and again to improve quality of life for everyone, especially those of us with neurodivergent brains or bodies and minds that need extra support. The biggest thing to remember is that you are under no obligation to have the same routines as your favorite YouTuber or lifestyle blogger or your best friend or your mom. Find what works for you. Take small steps when adding things to your routine. Regularly check in with yourself on what is and isn’t working for you. And remember that you’re human, and life is complicated, and you will mess it up sometimes, and it will be okay.